Life and death and war and peace. How do these connect in my mind? Does the order that these came into my mind have any meaning?. Is it that life is war and death is peace? I have this so in front of my thoughts today as the realization that my pastor is nearing the gates of heaven and nearing the end of his life on earth. What does it mean to live? What does it mean to die?
How many days I've felt at war with such simple things and these things feel so big to me when I let them consume me. The times I've struggled with not knowing what will come next. Like when I had the ultrasound to see if the lump in my breast was more than just another lump. Like the time when I saw the car trying to brake behind me that was going 70 miles per hour. I knew it would hit me hard, but would it ram me into the car in front of me and injure me or just hit me and cause another inconvenience. Does it matter what will come next? Won't I just deal with it as it comes? Does knowing make it any different?
Can I really change something because I know it will happen? Can I really prepare myself for something better because I know it will happen? I think of this in terms of a tragedy. Won't I just have the same reaction as I would have once it really happens? Is it that I want to feel in control of the situation? Is it the control that makes it better? I don't think so now that I think about it. Control comes with responsibility and can I accept the responsibility of controlling things as strong as the things that I don't know?
Do I want to control when people will die? Do I want to control when people will be at war? Do I want to control when people will have life and death and war and peace? The peace one seems like one I would want to control, but do I really? How is that I can control peace? Is it that I could somehow line everyone up and state that it is time for peace and it would be so? I don't think so. I would have to allow all the people that have free will to exercise that will and come to peace on their own. So I haven't really controlled anything.
So does it mean to live when I really accept life and death when it comes without trying to control it or trying to know what will happen in the next breath? Does it mean anything to worry or is it just another distraction to acceptance of what comes to me as the minutes of my life unfold?
Life and death and war and peace. All of these are parts of my time on earth. Life can be both war and peace and death can be both war and peace. I can worry through these moments or live and pray through these moments. I must live my life using the free will God granted me with the best intentions, and accept life and death and war and peace, but can't really control any of these things.
P.S. My family loves Fr. Hubert Kealy.
Talk to you again soon,
Eileen
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About Me
- Eileen
- I'm a mother of two. I am a wife of 22 years. I'm happy and confused all in the same day. I'm at peace and in struggle all in the same minute. However, I'm mostly at peace. I am always trying to understand where my life should go next. I know that I have certain gifts that I am supposed to share with the world, but don't always trust that I know what those gifts are that I should share. I can be happy, sad, satisifed, confused, isolated and connected all in the same day or minute. I love my family with all my heart, but struggle at not letting it define me. I know I am at my best as a mother and wife when I feel fulfilled. At that point, I feel the best at being able to lift up those people in my life that need me the most. I love life, but I'm frequently confused about life. I enjoy figuring out what should come next in the minute, in the day, in the week, in the month, in the year and in all eternity. I'm not afraid of change. I hope I'm able to express myself and my commitment to hope in this blog. I know that we all have a story that makes us who we are, and that life is more full if we share that story.
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