Death

Today I seemed consumed with death and what that means to me and to all of the people in my life. Death is a given for all of us but somehow I don’t want to experience it just yet. I hold on to the life that I have before me now as it is so familiar. I know what to expect to some extent.


I know I will wake up tomorrow and the sun will shine. I will eat, I will clean, I will pray, I will think about what it is I am supposed to give to the world in this day. I so want to be open to and to do God’s will. I am always wondering if I am actually doing it or not.

I want a clear picture about what it is I am supposed to do in this life. I want it to be as clear as the sun or the moon. Those things are so constant, but now that I think of it these things are truly different each day. The moon has a different shape each day and the sun shines different colors each day. The angle in which I enjoy the sun and the moon changes throughout the day. Sometimes if the weather is bad I even have trouble seeing the sun or the moon.

What does that represent to me about death? I see the constancy of death in the rising and setting of the sun and the difference in death in the various ways I experience life by looking at things from a different angle. Sometimes I fill my heart with clouds and rain storms, and I can’t even see what I am supposed to see.

How will I be prepared for death, if I am not always molding myself to see beyond the clouds and rain in my life to enjoy each and every minute that I have now and forever. I want to be more patient as I grow to understand that I have eternity and that death is but a window into understanding that eternity truly exists. I seem to always wonder about the unknown of death and how it will make me different.

I know in my intellect that there is something more in this world than what I know now, but sometimes in my heart I still have doubt and wonder what I can do better that makes that doubt disappear. However, I also think that maybe I am always supposed to have that doubt so that I never take for granted what I have in the here and now before me.

I try to live in the now and not worry about what has passed as it is gone now and actually may be remembered by others very differently than how I remember it. I try not worry about the future as it is not here yet and may never actually be what I expected anyway.

It is a given that this minute I will be in this minute whether I want to or not and the next minute is always unknown. I pray that I live the minute how God intended and not be consumed with what is next whether it be life in death or another minute of life on earth.

Talk to you again soon.

Eileen